Fictional Account
by mistress amethyst une
Summary: One-shot. "As for not liking your boyfriend, you know very well that I only have one requirement of men who wish to court you. All I ask is that they not burst into flames upon crossing the threshold of a church..."


**Disclaimer:** GW = not mine.

**Author's Note: **Second July prompt is "All this happened, more or less," from Slaughterhouse-Five. I haven't watched the movie or read the book so I'm going at this blind. Tackling the "We met at the beach" cliche here, too. Another one that's too long to shove into NN so it's posted as a one-shot...

**Fictional Account  
by mistress amethyst une**

"I first saw him at the beach," remarked Relena, as she spoke loudly into her bedridden grandmother's ear. It was hard enough trying to play the part of a good storyteller when your audience was hard of hearing. Even harder when you're doctoring the truth into something more pleasant...

The Darlian matriarch, her foster father's mother, had begged to meet her precious granddaughter's significant other. It was all Relena could do to fulfill the dying woman's wish. Why did her mother have to let slip that she was dating someone?

_"Granny deserves to know, Relena," declared Lily Darlian, leaving no room for argument._

_"You don't like him, do you, Mother? Meeting Granny will only make him uncomfortable. How is he supposed to behave around her? You didn't happen to tell her what his job was? What he did during the war?"_

_"Of course not. As much as she tortured me while I was dating your father, I don't want her to die. At least not yet... As for not liking your boyfriend, you know very well that I only have one requirement of men who wish to court you. All I ask is that they not burst into flames upon crossing the threshold of a church. Your Henry-"_

_"Heero."_

_"I know he's a war hero. You don't have to keep telling me. Anyway, Henry was kind enough to take me to mass last week. You're marrying a nice boy."_

_"We're not at that stage yet, mother," Relena bit out. "We're taking it slow."  
_

_"Well, I think that it's best that you hurry up. Someone might take him from you. I'm quite the lonely cougar. The pool boy-"_

_"Mother!"_

_"Anyway, tell me if Granny likes him."_

_"Why do you care? You hate Granny."_

_"Exactly. Relena, do you really want to be with someone your grandmother likes? Did you see the string of women she tried to set your father up with knowing very well I was married to him? Rich bimbos, all of them. Your grandfather didn't have much between his ears either. I think he died inside when he married your Granny. It's a miracle your father turned out so well."_

_Ah yes, the rivalry between Granny Darlian and her mother was still alive and well._

"The beach?" asked the elderly woman. "A tad crude, don't you think? A Darlian like you picking up a beach bum. For shame... Anyway, do go on."

Relena heaved a sigh and looked to Heero. He hung his head, suddenly entranced by his feet. No help on that front. She'd have to slay this old dragon on her own. She tried to ignore her grandmother's last few biting comments. The toothless creature was still good at giving thorough tongue lashings but Relena being fazed wouldn't help anybody.

"Well, I came upon him at the beach while he was taking a nap..."

_He was unconscious, and she honestly thought she was having her first encounter with a corpse._

"He woke up and caught me gawking at him."

_He panicked and started covering his face like his life depended on it._

"You can only imagine how mortified I was. A handsome boy like that having his rest interrupted by a silly girl like me..."

_He tried to blow himself up. Mortified was an understatement for how she felt.  
_

"Still, he didn't see it as something I should be upset about. We soon got to talking. Lost track of time, actually. Before I knew it, he had to go."

_He ran off and beat up the paramedics she'd called to tend to him._

"I called him a cab expecting never to see him again."

_He hijacked the ambulance after incapacitating all the medical personnel and kicking the driver out of the vehicle._

_"_It was such a pleasant surprise when Sister Audrey introduced him as our new classmate the next day."

_A surprise? Yes. Pleasant? No._

"How wonderful," declared the old lady, pretending she'd heard every word. Relena really didn't need to concoct a story. The old witch already had it in her head that nobody would be good enough for her granddaughter. "The boy... Is the boy with you? Step forward, boy."

"His name is Heero, granny."

"Hello?"

"Heero."

"Helios?"

"Heero."

"Herman?"

"Heero!"

"Hero, is it? That's a name that comes with a lot of expectations. Tell him to step forward. Didn't I already tell him to do just that? Is he as hard of hearing as I am?"

Relena sighed. "Come on over, Hero."

"Come closer, boy," her grandmother stated yet again. "Goodness, this boy seems to be missing something upstairs. How many times do I have to ask him to come over? Let me feel you. These old eyes aren't what they used to be."

Heero's steps were slow and reluctant. Fearless as he usually was, he thought it best to exercise caution in this situation. At first, he'd been dumbfounded by the woman, unable to move upon her request. Something inside him trembled in this creature's presence, left him thoroughly unsettled and unable to act properly. Hearing her disparage him in front of Relena sent a strange rush of pain surging through his heart. What if this woman didn't think he was good enough for Relena?

Finally, he reached the bed, bringing his head within Granny Darlian's reach. Peeved as Relena was, it was all she could do not to burst out laughing as her grandmother ran her wrinkled hands over Heero's face.

"Speak, boy," declared Granny Darlian.

"Mmph..."

Granny Darlian had clamped her gnarled hands over the poor boy's lips. "I said speak up. Speak, boy! Goodness, you are quite the dullard."

Muffled sounds issued from the perfect soldier as he spoke into the palms plastered over his mouth. He didn't know what to do. It would be rude as hell to shove the old woman's hands away.

"The silent type, eh?" sighed Granny Darlian, finally releasing Heero's head and hastily wiping her hands them on her sheets. "And he drools, too. Are you sure you want to be around this boy, Relena?"

"More than anything, Granny," stated Relena, her conviction so startling it made Heero stare.

"Speak up!"

"I said more than anything, Granny!" she yelled, her conviction now blended with rage.

"There's no need to scream!' admonished Granny Darlian. "Goodness, you must get your temper from that horrid Lily. I should have known. That Lily- She's- Her... Well, I hate her so much, I forget. What was I saying again?"

"I think it's time for bed, Granny," scowled Relena. Even when she'd been at the peak of health, the woman had been insufferable, openly showing her distaste for Relena's mother. Enough was enough. Relena needed to get Heero out of this slice of hell.

"Now, that's downright rude," said Granny Darlian, sinking into the covers. "All right. Fine. Go. But seriously, that boy- You deserve better."

Without another word, Relena dragged Heero out of the room. Granny Darlian hardly minded as she swiftly fell into slumber.

"Please disregard everything she said," she told him, once the door had shut behind them. "She's not of the right mind."

"I can see that," said Heero, wiping the back of his hand across his lips to eliminate the overwhelming aroma of camphor. "But she's still your grandmother, Relena. I don't have her approval."

"She can take her approval to hell for all I care. Mother likes you, and I love you. That's all the approval you need from the Darlians. Heavens, mother will like you even more once she hears about this."

He looked uneasy, far from convinced by her words. She stroked his cheek.

"Heero, when I first met you, it was an explosive moment, both literally and figuratively. I lied to her about something wonderful, knowing she would never understand it, knowing she would never accept you if I told the truth. Even when I spun our sordid story into a fairy tale, she still didn't accept you. Someone like that, someone who could never understand... She's not worth listening to, all right?

"Was that true?"

"What?"

"When you said you wanted to be around me more than anything. Was that true or part of the fairy tale?"

She looked at him, noting the seriousness in his eyes. She could build him up or break him down with a single word.

"Both," she smiled, leaving a gentle kiss on his cheek. "We'll never be a fairy tale, Heero, but I certainly have a happily ever after. That's the only part that matters anyway. You're my happy ending."

* * *

Whee, second July prompt done.


End file.
